Grief
by Une-chan
Summary: 1x2 Heero can deal with Duo's death, right? If not, then is he fated to join his love?


Heero stared out the large bay window as the sun set below the horizon. The purples, reds, and grays calmed him. He sniffed and wiped away the tears falling down his pale face. He hugged the blanket closer around his cold and shriveling body. It seemed like so long ago that he had cuddled with his beloved in this blanket. But it had been only a few months before.  
  
Why? Why him? Why did that Leo have to hit him? I should have saved him. It should have been me. Heero sank into the despair that constantly gripped his heart. His every thought seemed to center around that one moment that had changed his life so drastically.  
  
~ begin flashback ~  
  
"Heero, I don't think we're gonna be able to get rid of all of them. There's just too many!" Quatre's voice seemed to crackle and split as they fought. Their Gundams were too damaged to keep the fighting going, and the pilots were in even worse condition than the mobile suits.  
  
"We've fought harder and worse than this before. Come on, guys, you're acting like we're all gonna die! We're Gundam pilots! We never die!" Duo's optimistic voice was tinged with a tired sadness. He knew that they could very well die this time, but that wasn't going to stop the great Shinigami.  
  
"I say as many of them die as we can kill and then retreat before they can do the same to us." Heero's calm instructions sounded appropriate to all of them.  
  
At that moment, a large explosion rocked the ground around the base.. "What was that?!?" Quatre asked in a trembling voice.  
  
"I'd say that the base is beginning to explode. We don't have much time. We need to get out of here as soon as-" Heero stopped suddenly. A Leo streaked past him, flying straight towards Deathscythe. "DUO!!! Duo, watch out!!!!"  
  
The Leo broke through Duo's defenses. It smashed its beam cannon straight through the cockpit of Deathscythe. All of the pilots heard Duo's ear- splitting scream. They watched in silent horror as the Gundam fell backwards slowly.  
  
"Noo!!!!!! Damn you, nooooo!!!!!!!!" Heero found his voice and swung around. He slammed his saber through the Leo and watched it explode. Then he jumped out of his Gundam and dropped down beside where the cockpit of Deathscythe had been.  
  
"Duo? Duo, where are you? Duo? Duo, its Heero. Answer me! Duo!!!!" Heero searched through the rubble frantically, hoping to find some evidence that his beloved Shinigami had not perished.  
  
He noticed blood smeared on a piece of glass that had been part of the main console. Heero lifted the glass and let out a cry of pain. Duo was laying beneath it, his body torn and bruised almost beyond recognition. The only part of him that seemed to be untarnished was his braid, still long, full and beautiful.  
  
"Oh, no, oh, Duo, no." Heero lifted the broken body and kissed the bloody face of his lover.  
  
"H...Heero?" Duo's voice was so soft and seemed to be coming from a far away place.  
  
"Yeah, Duo, it's me. Hang on, I promise it'll be ok. We'll get you to a hospital and then you can get better. Just hang on, okay?" Heero's tears were falling onto Duo's tattered face.  
  
"Heero? I... I love you. 'Bye." Duo's hand traced a line down Heero's face as if to memorize its contours. Then his body fell limp.  
  
"No, no, NO, NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Heero hugged Duo's body to his chest and rocked back and forth slowly. That was exactly how he was found after the battle ended. The other pilots gathered him and his now cold lover and took them back to the safe house.  
  
~ end flashback ~  
  
Heero slid off of the window seat that he now almost constantly occupied. He was becoming weak again. The food had become cold and was as unappetizing as it had been when Trowa brought it to him.  
  
He wandered into the kitchen and poured a drink. The alcohol burned, but the bitterness was perfect for him.  
  
"Not again. Heero, please don't get drunk. It's not good for you. You really shouldn't." Quatre stopped when Heero turned to him, tears streaming down his sunken face. "Oh, Heero, we miss him, too. But that doesn't mean that you should mope around all day and get drunk every night. We're… well, we're worried about you, all of us. Even Wufei said that you're being a wuss. I think you're scared of living without him. I know it's hard." Quatre wiped the tears from Heero's cheeks and hugged him.  
  
"No, you don't know." Heero tried to leave Quatre's comforting arms. Quatre refused to let go, though. Considering the amount of weight that Heero had lost, it wasn't much effort for Quatre to push him to the other side of the kitchen.  
  
"Sit down, Heero. You need to talk some of this out. You can't keep it bottled up inside you. Look what happened when you did that before."  
  
~ begin flashback ~  
  
Heero sat in the corner of the bathroom he shared with the other young men in the house. He stared at the small knife in his right hand. The blade gleamed menacingly through the dim lights in the bathroom. It seemed as cold and unfeeling as the boy holding it.  
  
Heero watched as he slid the blade across his left wrist. Blood slowly pooled beneath his arm, staining his clothes and the tiled floor.  
  
A knock on the door startled him.  
  
"Hey, Heero? You bout done in there yet? I gotta pee!" Duo's whine was annoying, yet soothing. The dark-haired pilot slowly placed the knife in the sink.  
  
The door suddenly burst open. Duo, as usual, was too impatient and curious to wait outside. He looked from Heero's wrist to his crimson colored clothes to the floor. Duo's scream brought the other pilots within seconds.  
  
"Maxwell, what's all the noise about? Find another spider? I can't believe…" Wufei's teasing came to an abrupt halt as he noticed the blood streaming steadily from Heero's wrist. "Oh, shit."  
  
Heero slumped forward into Duo's arms. Everything was spinning, and it seemed to him that people were talking. He just couldn't figure out where the voices were coming from.  
  
He woke up in a dim hospital room a few hours later. Duo was seated at the side of the bed. He was slumped over, having fallen asleep holding Heero's hand.  
  
"D…Duo?" Heero's gentle tone woke Duo from his light slumber.  
  
"Heero! Hey, you ok? You lost a lot of blood. The doctors said that you were in pretty bad shape." Duo was stroking his cheek lightly. Heero's vision seemed to blur for a moment before refocusing to find the other Gundam pilots gathered around him.  
  
"See, I told you he was awake. Hey, Heero, you look better already. They said that you can go home in a few days. Isn't that great?" Duo's optimistic tone brought a smile to Heero's face before he fell back into his dark world of oblivion.  
  
Heero was allowed to go home a few days later after promising to return for counseling, which he fully intended to avoid. He listened to Duo's incessant chatter, Wufei's teasing of the violet-eyed wonder, Trowa's amused silence, and Quatre's attempts to stop the constant bantering. It was just as it always was, yet it seemed that something was amiss.  
  
Later that night, Duo snuck into Heero's room. He curled up against the hard body that he adored. Heero realized that Duo needed him, so he just lay still and let the smaller boy get warm. It seemed that Duo had sensed that he was a little lonely, also. The same routine was then followed for many nights. Heero would go to bed a little earlier than the others, and Duo would sneak up to his room after seeing that the others were asleep.  
  
~ end flashback ~  
  
Heero sucked in a breath, ready to assault the blond boy in front of him. He then relaxed back into the chair, remembering that he would be no match for Quatre. "What would you do without Trowa? Huh? I can't live without him. I loved him so much. You just don't know. He made me feel when I thought that my heart was a barren wasteland, too cracked and broken to love again. He showed me how to enjoy life and everything about the people around me." Heero's sobs broke Quatre's fragile heart, causing him to become a little bit weepy.  
  
"I can't imagine losing my Trowa, but Duo was dear to all of us. We really do grieve for him, but we don't let ourselves waste away. He taught us to stay healthy no matter how bad the feelings inside of us were hurting. How do you think he stayed so strong? If he was the one that had lived, he would have wept for a while but kept himself strong for you. You will be together again some day, but, at the moment, you have to learn to live without him. It will get worse sometimes, but it will always get better. Wishing to die is not going to solve this. Please stop doing this to yourself. It will all come back full circle and bring him back to you. Hold on a second." Quatre left the room long enough to retrieve a CD. When it began playing, Heero shook, for it was exactly what he needed to hear. The words seemed to sink right into the despair in his heart and shine a small light into the darkness. The words to Sarah McLachlan's 'I Will Remember You' floated throughout the house, making all of the pilots smile in remembrance of the chestnut-haired boy who had touched all of them.  
  
Heero stood and walked up to the room that they had shared, falling onto the bed full of memories. He fell asleep after thinking about a few of the many sessions of endless lovemaking that had made him so happy.  
  
Quatre smiled, realizing that, for the first time in almost six months, Heero had returned to the bed that had been a haven for his and Duo's love and tenderness. He went up to his own room and decided that cuddling sounded great. Imagining losing Trowa was an extremely painful thought that seemed to wrench his heart from his chest. He shed tears for the star-crossed lovers and the pain that they must both endure before being together again.  
  
  
  
Heero awoke the next morning to the smell of the delicious breakfast that Trowa was evidently making. Since Trowa seemed to be the only one besides Quatre that could cook, he was usually left to do it on his own. It seemed like every time Trowa and Quatre cooked together, the food would be left to burn or become cold when the two would start to flirt and end up in their room. More often than not, Heero didn't eat, so that left Wufei to complain when dinner was spoiled by the lovers.  
  
Heero wandered into the kitchen, his nose almost in the air. For once, the food actually smelled good rather than sickening. The other three pilots sat amazed throughout the meal as Heero ate quickly and furiously. Quatre ventured to ask the obvious.  
  
"Umm, Heero, are you feeling better? I mean, you've eaten more today than you have in all the time since... well, you know. Are you going to be ok?" Quatre smiled tentatively at the confused pilot.  
  
"I just decided that I was hungry. Do you have a problem with that?" Heero wondered if he should tell them of his dream from the night before. It was quite remarkable, but he decided to leave it be for now. They would figure out that he was back to being the old Heero, with a little more love for his life than before.  
  
"So, Yuy, what are you going to cry about today? I think I can find you something sappy on the TV. Or maybe you can actually leave the house and go somewhere else to do it. Either way, you're still gonna cry like a baby, ne?" Wufei smirked at Heero, who seemed to be a little scared of fighting back. Trowa and his lover stared at Wufei in stunned silence. Wufei had ceased his teasing of anyone since the violet-eyed sunshine had left their lives.  
  
Heero shoved his chair away from the table and ran into the living room. He didn't want to fight back yet. He had to save certain emotions for later. For the moment, he ran upstairs and pulled on a pair of black jeans and a green tank. The clothes were too loose for his liking, but he deemed to fix that over the next few weeks. He ran out the door after retrieving his jacket and headed to the gravesite. The solemn young pilot hadn't been there since the funeral, and even then, he couldn't stand by and watch the only person he had ever loved be put six feet under the ground he was walking upon.  
  
Heero stopped in front of the grave a few minutes later. The grass had grown back fully over the spot where his beloved lay. He knelt down and placed the flowers he had picked from the small garden behind a neighbor's house on the bottom of the small headstone.  
  
Duo Maxwell  
  
AC 180 - AC 195  
  
Young and beautiful,  
  
We will never forget you,  
  
Our sunshine has left,  
  
But you will shine again  
  
Quatre was the one who had bought the headstone and had the message engraved. It was perfect for the way that Heero felt about Duo now. He would never forget him, and he would miss him. But I won't waste away and die. I can't do that. He told me to live, and so I will. I will live in your memory, my little Shinigami. I love you. And we will be together again soon. I promise. As soon as they stop worrying about me and return to their normal lives, I will find a way to bring us back together.  
  
Heero smiled as he remembered one of Duo's favorite TV shows that he had insisted on Heero watching. Hmm, too bad we don't have the Dragonballs now, my love. Then I could wish you back, but I know that you would just be taken away again. You were meant to be in heaven, smiling down with the other angels. Good-bye for now, my Angel of Death. I will see you soon.  
  
Heero turned from the grave to sit on the beach across the street. It was deserted nearby, with only a few children playing somewhere down the beach. He sat and thought for awhile, memories sweeping over him like a blanket.  
  
~ begin flashback ~  
  
Heero had barely seemed to fall asleep when he saw the one thing that would cause him to show surprise.  
  
Duo was standing at the end of his bed, head tilted to the side, eyes full of love. "Hello, Heero."  
  
"D...Duo? What... wh- what's going on?" Heero stammered as he tried to figure out if he was still dreaming.  
  
Duo smiled. "No, you're not dreaming. I am here. I have a message for you. The Big Guy said to stop moping and start living, or he'd separate us for eternity. He also said that if you were patient, then we would be together again soon, but you must be good and stop worrying the others so much. They lose too much sleep, wondering, night after night, if you will find your own way back to me. They pray for you, and Quatre cries himself to sleep in Trowa's arms almost every night. It is not right. You must relieve their pain and stop grieving for me. I love you, and I will see you again soon. Goodbye, my perfect soldier." Duo began to fade from view as a single tear fell down his cheek.  
  
"Wait, no, Duo, wait!!! Don't leave me here alone again. I can't stand it. I need you." Heero's tears were choking him, and he became desperate as Duo slowly faded to a slight shimmer before disappearing altogether.  
  
Duo's voice floated back to him sweetly. "We will be together again soon. Don't worry. I love you."  
  
Heero listened for a few more minutes, but Duo was gone. He felt the emptiness sweep through his heart once again. Duo had been here, and he had left him here to suffer alone. He walked toward the bathroom, where he could find a razor to stop all of this.  
  
As Heero stared at the gleaming blade in his hand, he remembered Duo's words. Stop moping and start living ... separate us for eternity ... together again soon ... stop worrying the others ... pray for you ... cries himself to sleep ... not right ... stop grieving ... see you again soon ... I love you.  
  
Heero dropped the blade in the sink in front of him and slunk back to his bedroom. He's right, I should stop worrying them and live. If I die, then it will cause them even more pain. I can't do that. They all care so much for me. Heero dropped back down into his bed and smiled for the first time in over six months. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, and he could make up for what Duo would miss by doing everything for him.  
  
About 3 years later, on the anniversary of Duo's death, Heero watched as a car full of screaming teens careened toward him. He knew that they would hit him, even if he moved. It was time. The driver noticed at the very last second and slammed on his brakes, but Heero was already laying in the middle of the street, broken, yet still smiling. He whispered, "Ai shiteru, Duo," before he left his earth-bound body. The remaining pilots gathered for his funeral, and others that he had touched since Duo's death also came. His body was arranged next to his lover's body. And in heaven, they were brought together in a flurry of passion and love.  
  
Quatre smiled at the man he loved. "They are together, I can feel it." Trowa smiled and pulled Quatre closer to him before planting a gentle kiss on the cute little lips of the blond Arab.  
  
"Yes, they are together, as we will always be." The lovers locked arms and walked toward the rest of their lives, no longer having to worry for the Wing pilot. 


End file.
